I couldn’t think of a better title for this note. There’s a lot to be said about the quality of men in the world today; the quality of people in general. But I’ll focus more on the men because my mind has been on the matter for quite some time. There’s no better way to put it; we need to raise better men.
Stories that touch.
I have a good number of female friends in my life, and I listen to the stories they tell me. Stories that touch. A lot of their stories are centered around a common theme: that most men are predators and not trustworthy. Truth be told, on issues of love and romance, it’s really hard to find genuine and empathetic people. People who will be honest with you from the outset, and treat your feelings with respect.
We as men have given ourselves a bad reputation with the ladies. They don’t trust us, and rightly so. I thought I’d write this note to crystallize my thoughts on this matter and maybe identify what’s causing the quality of the average man to decline.
Cause and Effect.
If you treat certain problems as effects of a root cause, you’re more likely to drill down to the root cause and devise appropriate solutions to eradicate those problems. So here’s what I think we should look at:
- Parenting
- Socialization
On Parenting
This might be the primary reason we have so many shitty men in the world today. For the vast majority of households, particularly in this part of the world, we place much of the parental burden on the mother; while the father assumes the role of primary provider. The effect of this is a household where the father is largely disconnected from their son’s psychological development. I know this because I grew up in a similar setting. Massive love and respect to my dad ❤️, he did the best he could for the family with the resources he had, often working long hours and coming home late at night. The problem though was I didn’t have a deep relationship with him while growing up. And I’m sure many men fall in this category. They don’t get to enjoy deep relationships with their fathers in their formative years.
It may not seem apparent at the time, but what’s happening is a boy becoming an adolescent without having proper supervision on the issues he has to grapple with as he transitions into adulthood. And it sucks. Because that’s part of the role of a parent. A parent is meant to teach you from their experience. A male father figure, especially one who is responsible, will teach you how to manage your sexual urges, how to tame them, how to respect women. Because he as a man knows what it’s like to be young and want to bang all the attractive girls out there. The average guy goes through this phase, and without proper supervision and parenting, he can morph into an irresponsible male adult. One who cannot control his sexual desires.
We need more good fathers involved in the development of their sons. Mothers can try, they can do a great job, but nothing is as effective in raising a good man as a role model father figure.
On Socialization
The dictionary will define Socialisation as the process of relating with people. And there are levels to socialization. What’s important is socializing with people of character. This in my opinion would solve some of the problems from poor parenting. And I think I figured out why. There’s a lot of emotional maturity you acquire from building deep relationships with people. Most especially, you learn how to value people’s emotions.
Every human being needs a framework for accountability. It is very difficult (maybe impossible) to be accountable to yourself. Accountability must extend beyond the self. Good parenting and adequate socialization with people of character can help usher in accountability. If the people who surround you care about your growth as an individual, in one way or the other, they will always call you out on your bullshit. And if you listen to them over time, you’ll evolve into a well-adjusted individual.
You may have heard the saying that girls mature faster than boys. The statement has been touted several times as a matter of fact embedded in nature, in a way that portends a biological element in girls that just makes them mature faster than boys. But I beg to differ. I would say the average girl is a lot more socialized than the average guy. On average, girls have deeper relationships than guys. This is why they are more mature.
Final thoughts
I think men need to take responsibility for themselves. It’s up to you as a man to re-parent yourself and socialize with people of sound character and purpose. I also encourage you to nurture platonic female friendships. It helps your maturity as a man to build healthy relationships with women without expecting sexual favors from them.
Then there’s sexual transmutation. Popularised in Napoleon Hill’s book: Think and Grow Rich. Sexual Transmutation is a way by which the energy you direct towards sex can be redirected towards other activities that can be equally gratifying. This is very important. Because energy is neither created nor destroyed. We each have some form of energy (though limited) within ourselves.
“So strong and impelling is the desire for sexual contact that men freely run the risk of life and reputation to indulge it”
Napoleon Hill
Sex is perhaps one of the most powerful forces of nature.
As a man, if you can control your sexual urges and direct your energy towards other endeavors that hold value to you, there’s no limit to what you can accomplish.
Small disclaimer: I’m not entirely against hook-up culture. It’s all well and good if it’s what you want to do. So long as you’re not hurting yourself or anyone’s daughter physically or emotionally, hooking up can be a fun way to pass time. Just remember, the untempered pursuit of pleasure is a path towards addiction. Practice moderation.
We have to do better as men.